Why am I going there?
Who is going there with me?
How will I get there?
On the outside, these might be simple questions, but when you start doing deep inner work, these questions provide the foundation of a happy and fulfilling life. Life is constantly changing, and with it, our everyday plans and goals. But, where are you headed, and do you want your life to remain the same. You need clarification on where you are going with your life. Without that, you are bound to face one obstacle after another in your relationships, especially the romantic, intimate ones.
The things you want to do in your life, your ideal future, and the people you want to build it with will help you decide what to say yes to and what to say no to. But, before you can have Fierce Conversations with your partners and loved ones, you need to have a lot of clarity.
Taking inspiration from Conversation 1: Do I Want This Relationship of my book Fierce Love, let’s talk about how you can achieve clarity in your life through some deep conversations with yourself and then your partner.
Why Is It Important To Spend Time Conversing With Ourselves?
You may think you see people as who they are, but in truth, we often see them as who we are. In short, all the conversations we have are with ourselves, and sometimes they involve other people. A lot of times, we see other people and especially our partners in a highly individualized context. All those ideas and beliefs that we have internalized, we end up projecting on others.
When we face similar issues in one relationship after another, we realize that they are rarely about others but mostly about ourselves. I am not taking the blame for having intimate conversations and realizations away from my partner. But, I do want you to realize your patterns. We bring into our lives whatever we have the most clarity about, and when you spend some time having those deep and thoughtful conversations with yourself, you will change your life.
Do You Look In The Mirror And Recognize Yourself?
When you ask yourself, Are you ready to be in a relationship and do some deep work on the questions surrounding it, you will answer some of the most pressing questions revolving around who you are and who you wish to be? We are our results, so we must get it right from the core out! We don’t automatically self-combust. We must continually and intentionally set ourselves on fire. You must look in the mirror, recognize yourself, and smile. Sometimes it is by doing the outer work, and more often than not, by doing the inner work. Remember the four questions I asked you at the beginning of this blog?
Where am I going in life?
Why am I going there?
Who is going there with me?
How will I get there?
Now take some alone time and figure them out. Write clear and detailed answers to them. Keep asking yourself these questions year after year to notice if there have been any noticeable changes. Ask yourself if anything has changed, if you have more clarity, if there are more powerful and more precise words you can use.
Have A Fierce Conversation With Your Partner!
As you do the inner work, you will approach a point where you know your answer to, “Do I want this relationship?” This is when you should know that now is the time to have a conversation with your partner and to clarify what matters the most to you and him/ her at this moment in time.
This will help you have a deeper understanding, a deeper connection, an assurance that your values and goals are aligned, and the knowledge of how you can best support each other on this journey of self-actualization. It will help you both get in alignment not only individually but also create a frequency where you can sync together.
If you find yourselves out of alignment, you would have to spend some time together finding the sweet spot. You will need to have a lot of bold conversations and course-correct if the need be.
Take Feedback From Your Partner
Including your partner in this process of finding yourself is one of the most intimate things you can do. When you answer the four questions I asked you to work on, share them with your partner. Tell them that you asked yourself some deep, meaningful questions, and you want to share your answers in order to get their feedback. This will definitely prove to be an enriching conversation for you both.
Hopefully, your partner will ask questions which will provoke deeper thinking. Don’t get defensive if your partner doesn’t feel that the answers are authentic or think that you aren’t living up to what you have written and need to make changes. Instead, ask how you can be more in touch with how you want to be or what things are side-tracking you from getting there? Similarly, if your partner seems surprised, do not hesitate to ask what worries or surprises them. Your partner’s answers to these questions are essential. Pay attention. This is an opportunity for you to ask your partner for the specific support they can provide you. If anything, I am sure they will appreciate you looping them in on this journey.
Ask Your Partner To Do The Same!
Once you feel like you had the conversation you intended to have not only with yourself but with your partner as well, ask them to do the same. You can gently talk to them and ask if they would like to spend some time pondering over the questions, formulating their answers, and then sharing their answers with you.
Your partner might be reluctant at first, but this allows them to find and streamline their values and find the middle ground where you two meet with your values and ideals. You two should support each other moving forward. But, if you learn that the paths you and your partner are traveling will collide or diverge to the point that continuing together doesn’t make sense, it’s better to know it now than down the road.
As I wrap up this blog based on the Chapter “Conversation 1: Do I Want This Relationship” of my book Fierce Love, I want to congratulate you. You and your partner should be proud of yourself. This is some deep work that requires a lot of strength and courage. If you enjoyed doing this together, you could also check out Fierce Love Journal with similar activities for Couples based on the 8 Conversations for a happier and healthier relationship.
© Copyright Susan Scott. All rights reserved.