Fierce Love

Am I the person I was meant to be?

Is my life the expression of my values and priorities?

If you have been on the journey of exploring my new book, Fierce Love, here with me, you know I talk a lot about having Fierce Conversations with your partner. I explore a lot about the conversations we need to have in Fierce Love journal so you can explore the intricacies of your relationship. But, there is one more important thing that I talk about in my book and want to talk about here today:

Are you ready for a relationship?

Do you want to have this relationship?

While you might have asked yourself the second question many times, I know that we find ourselves haggling with the concept of the first question. Unfortunately, with the world we are living in, the idea of having conversations with yourself to check if you are relationship-ready is seldom touched upon. We have already talked about the power of fierce conversations with your partner and will be exploring them more in the coming blogs, but today I want you to focus on YOU.

Let’s explore together if you are ready for a relationship and the conversations it entails or not?

Who Am I In A Relationship?

Sometimes the problem isn’t with our partners; it is with who we become when we are in a relationship. We let that cloud our judgments when we don’t feel good about ourselves, who we are, and who we want to be. When this happens, we conveniently, albeit unconsciously, blame our partners.

When you realize that your life has become an endless loop of compromises or you have adopted a personality you never wanted to subscribe to, you recognize that you are not in the relationship you were meant to be in. You have gone too far to find a partner.

The most critical relationship in your life is the one you have with yourself. And I want to help you fall in love with yourself and build a solid and valid foundation before you do that with someone else.

Be Who You Were Meant To Be

Often we think that if we get out of the current relationship or find a new partner, our lives will change immensely. And it does, for a while at least. We are over the top, have butterflies in our stomachs, and feel like the luckiest man or woman on the planet…but then reality comes crashing down. After a while, we realize that we are back to where it started. The reality hits us hard.

We take ourselves with us wherever we are, love what we love, who we love, how we love. A new place or person doesn’t change who we are at our core. However, if your values do not match the way you live, you need to do something to correct yourself. Here are some of the questions you can borrow from my Fierce Love Journal that accompanies the Fierce Love book to help you introspect on the conversations you need to have surrounding love:

• Are my interests and priorities changing?
• Is there an area that I care about that is conspicuously absent from my life?
• What activities generate heat from me?
• What one thing can I do to get more of what I want and need in my life?

There are more questions in the journal, but these are enough to get you started on this journey of self-realization before you place any blame, comment, or judgment on your partner.

Create A Life Of Alignment:

You will be successful in life and relationships when you are in alignment with who you are and who you want to be. When there is a connection between both, you will be able to find a partner or create a rhythm with the current one in tandem with your ideal life. This is more important than we realize or deem necessary in our romantic relationships.

The most important indicator of our health is the amount of integrity with which we live our lives. If there is a gap between what you believe and how you behave, you won’t only be affected mentally, but it will also impact your immune system. Hence, there is no doubt that your relationships will suffer as well. This takes us back to the discussion we had in the last sections. Some important questions you need to be asking yourself are:

• Are you the person you were meant to be?
• Are the things you value and what you are actually doing in alignment?
• If not, what can you do to correct this?

We can either lead a dull, boring, and life out of alignment, or you can create an experience filled with intimacy, passion, and love. If you want the latter, you have to find your rhythm. You need to be in sync with the life you always wanted to design for yourself. We will find it nearly impossible to connect with the one we love or hope to love until we have connected with ourselves, our authentic selves. So, your task is to find yourself and your love language for now. It is to find the things that truly matter and the things you resonate with. Then, launch head-on into discovering your values and assessing if you are fulfilling them in your life.

As I mention in “Conversation 1: Do I want This Relationship” in the Fierce Love book, your partner can be a great support in the path of this self-discovery. We will be discussing more of that in another blog coming soon. For now, focus on the things you learned from this blog and take help from Fierce Love Journal to find more about yourself so you can have some deep, meaningful conversations surrounding this introspection with your partner.

Don’t forget, we want to create a love that lasts, and it starts with YOU!

Where am I going in life?

Why am I going there?

Who is going there with me?

How will I get there?

On the outside, these might be simple questions, but when you start doing deep inner work, these questions provide the foundation of a happy and fulfilling life. Life is constantly changing, and with it, our everyday plans and goals. But, where are you headed, and do you want your life to remain the same. You need clarification on where you are going with your life. Without that, you are bound to face one obstacle after another in your relationships, especially the romantic, intimate ones.

The things you want to do in your life, your ideal future, and the people you want to build it with will help you decide what to say yes to and what to say no to. But, before you can have Fierce Conversations with your partners and loved ones, you need to have a lot of clarity.

Taking inspiration from Conversation 1: Do I Want This Relationship of my book Fierce Love, let’s talk about how you can achieve clarity in your life through some deep conversations with yourself and then your partner.

Why Is It Important To Spend Time Conversing With Ourselves?

You may think you see people as who they are, but in truth, we often see them as who we are. In short, all the conversations we have are with ourselves, and sometimes they involve other people. A lot of times, we see other people and especially our partners in a highly individualized context. All those ideas and beliefs that we have internalized, we end up projecting on others.

When we face similar issues in one relationship after another, we realize that they are rarely about others but mostly about ourselves. I am not taking the blame for having intimate conversations and realizations away from my partner. But, I do want you to realize your patterns. We bring into our lives whatever we have the most clarity about, and when you spend some time having those deep and thoughtful conversations with yourself, you will change your life.

Do You Look In The Mirror And Recognize Yourself?

When you ask yourself, Are you ready to be in a relationship and do some deep work on the questions surrounding it, you will answer some of the most pressing questions revolving around who you are and who you wish to be? We are our results, so we must get it right from the core out! We don’t automatically self-combust. We must continually and intentionally set ourselves on fire. You must look in the mirror, recognize yourself, and smile. Sometimes it is by doing the outer work, and more often than not, by doing the inner work. Remember the four questions I asked you at the beginning of this blog?

Where am I going in life?

Why am I going there?

Who is going there with me?

How will I get there?

Now take some alone time and figure them out. Write clear and detailed answers to them. Keep asking yourself these questions year after year to notice if there have been any noticeable changes. Ask yourself if anything has changed, if you have more clarity, if there are more powerful and more precise words you can use.

Have A Fierce Conversation With Your Partner!

As you do the inner work, you will approach a point where you know your answer to, “Do I want this relationship?” This is when you should know that now is the time to have a conversation with your partner and to clarify what matters the most to you and him/ her at this moment in time.

This will help you have a deeper understanding, a deeper connection, an assurance that your values and goals are aligned, and the knowledge of how you can best support each other on this journey of self-actualization. It will help you both get in alignment not only individually but also create a frequency where you can sync together.

If you find yourselves out of alignment, you would have to spend some time together finding the sweet spot. You will need to have a lot of bold conversations and course-correct if the need be.

Take Feedback From Your Partner

Including your partner in this process of finding yourself is one of the most intimate things you can do. When you answer the four questions I asked you to work on, share them with your partner. Tell them that you asked yourself some deep, meaningful questions, and you want to share your answers in order to get their feedback. This will definitely prove to be an enriching conversation for you both.

Hopefully, your partner will ask questions which will provoke deeper thinking. Don’t get defensive if your partner doesn’t feel that the answers are authentic or think that you aren’t living up to what you have written and need to make changes. Instead, ask how you can be more in touch with how you want to be or what things are side-tracking you from getting there? Similarly, if your partner seems surprised, do not hesitate to ask what worries or surprises them. Your partner’s answers to these questions are essential. Pay attention. This is an opportunity for you to ask your partner for the specific support they can provide you. If anything, I am sure they will appreciate you looping them in on this journey.

Ask Your Partner To Do The Same!

Once you feel like you had the conversation you intended to have not only with yourself but with your partner as well, ask them to do the same. You can gently talk to them and ask if they would like to spend some time pondering over the questions, formulating their answers, and then sharing their answers with you.

Your partner might be reluctant at first, but this allows them to find and streamline their values and find the middle ground where you two meet with your values and ideals. You two should support each other moving forward. But, if you learn that the paths you and your partner are traveling will collide or diverge to the point that continuing together doesn’t make sense, it’s better to know it now than down the road.

As I wrap up this blog based on the Chapter “Conversation 1: Do I Want This Relationship” of my book Fierce Love, I want to congratulate you. You and your partner should be proud of yourself. This is some deep work that requires a lot of strength and courage. If you enjoyed doing this together, you could also check out Fierce Love Journal with similar activities for Couples based on the 8 Conversations for a happier and healthier relationship.

So you’ve understood the idea of fierce love and how it can enrich your relationships, now what do you do?

It’s time to put it into action. 

Fierce Love is a wonderful idea, but it only enriches relationships if you actually apply it. There may be many conversations between you and what you desire. 

If you can come out from behind yourself and be real, you can change the course of your relationships one conversation at a time.

Love is at the heart of all things fierce.  

Money is not the most valuable currency, love is. Relationships and emotional capital is what our human existence depends on. If you can give and receive love, be in the here and now, and be kind and truthful with your words, you will acquire all the love and emotional capital you need to thrive. 

Put one foot in front of the other and simply focus on the next conversation you have and see how you can make it a fierce one.

Keep reading to learn three ways you can put fierce love to work for you and your relationships.

1. Give and receive love freely and fiercely

While true love is not unconditional, you can practice giving and receiving love with conditions. And it doesn’t have to be only with your partner.

Love comes in many ways and you can start being a part of the flow right now. 

The more you de-armour your heart, break down the barriers, and push through the resistances around love, the more love you will invite in. 

Our relationships reflect our ability to give and receive love. Our romantic relationships have the opportunity to bloom or wilt given the amount of love we are willing to give out or let in. 

Brené Brown says in her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, “Until we can receive with an open heart, we’re never really giving with an open heart.”

Happiness and love are an inside job and reflect our outside circumstances.

Are you practicing love every day? Are you learning to respond, think, and speak kindly? Or are you blocking love from coming in? Are you withholding it or responding negatively to it?

Determining the frequency, quality, and nature of the way you both give and receive love is key to leading a fierce life.

2. Be here, prepared to be nowhere else

One of the best ways you can apply the idea of fierce love in your life is through giving the gift of your presence. 

When you are prepared to be in the moment and nowhere else, you’re giving yourself and those around you the opportunity to grow and connect deeper. 

Being in the moment, here and now, listening attentively, and responding compassionately is how you can begin to love fiercely. 

If when in a conversation, you are checking your cell phone or mentally planning your daily checklist, you are not choosing to be fierce.

Start listening to how you behave in conversations and become aware of the ways you avoid, hold back, tell little lies, don’t pay attention, or speak without clarity. 

When you are totally immersed in the conversation being had, you are allowing for fierce opportunities. When the little voice inside you says, “this is the time to be fierce,” take a deep breath, come out from behind yourself and say something that is true for you.

Commit to being present in at least one conversation a day and watch how your relationships begin to transform. 

3. Be kind and truthful

Every single time we open our mouths, we have a chance to be kind and truthful. If you can focus on these two things in each conversation you have, you will see positive results. 

Being receptive to the truth can be an intensely courageous act. However the truth will set you free and if you can see the truth of your relationship with yourself and others with clarity and compassion, you have the power to transform the love in your life. 

(Here are 11 great tips for having a more truthful and honest relationship!)

Every single sentence in a conversation has the ability to transform your relationship. Inserting more kindness and truth into the conversation can have beautiful outcomes. 

While it can be scary to relax, open your heart, and speak from a place of love, it is necessary if you want to evolve and grow into your fullest potential. 
When we can speak from our heart, we have the power to enrich our relationships one conversation at a time.

Moving forward with love

Through having more meaningful conversations and putting the idea of fierce love to work, you can maintain positive results in your romantic relationship.

It is my hope that you will find the courage within you to dive deep into your relationship with yourself first and then with your partner. It is my wish that your life will resemble who you want to become more and more with each fierce conversation you have.

If you really want to know how to put fierce love into action, buy my book that’s out now! 
Fierce Love: Creating a Love that Lasts—One Conversation at a Time will give you a guide to the eight conversations you can have to enrich your relationship and the five myths about love that are sure to derail your relationship. This book will allow you to create the love that you desire in your life and have a fierce love that lasts.

When your relationship comes to an end, how do you exit with grace?

This can be a difficult conclusion to come to and if you’re there, I wish you all the courage you can muster in this chapter of your life. If you’ve had the conversations, listened deeply, clarified conditions, and are up-to-date with your partner and the ashes of your relationship cannot be rekindled, know that it is okay to walk away. 

The good news is, fierce love doesn’t end just because a relationship does. The 7 Principles of Fierce Love can be applied to any phase of a relationship. 

When our relationship doesn’t last, what happens next? The end of the road doesn’t mean the end of love for you. It can actually mean new beginnings and deeper discovery of yourself.

And, if your relationship doesn’t last, here’s how you can still exit with grace. 

You can let new love in, learn to love being alone, and receive love in other ways outside of a partnership. Love exists inside you and you can create as much love as you want in your life.  

The end of a relationship does not mean the end of fierce love. You can continue to practice the idea of fierce love during and after the goodbye. 

Here is how you can practice fierce love even after your relationship ends. 

1. Let New Love In

When you’ve let go of the myths about love and taken the time to have fierce conversations with your partner, sometimes it can have a different outcome than you originally imagined.

Or maybe you tried to wake your relationship up after it was too late and after too many “gradually’s,” you’re faced with a “suddenly” that is irreparable. 

What now?

Forgive yourself first and then do your best to forgive your partner. 

Ending a relationship isn’t a failure. It doesn’t mean you’ll never find love again. It may mean, though, that you need to find more love within yourself in order to attract the true love that you desire. 

The end of a relationship can be an amazing opportunity to learn and grow. If you reflect on your relationship with fierce curiosity and compassion, you are sure to find some ways you can improve yourself, better achieve who you’re meant to be, and have more meaningful relationships in the future.

There may be a grieving period for your relationship. What you are grieving is not always the partner you are losing. You are grieving the lost hopes, dreams, and plans you had with that partner that weren’t actually your reality. You are grieving a life and person that did not actually exist.

So try not to blame yourself or your partner and do your best to accept what is. Take the time to self reflect on how to be a better partner in future relationships.

Some people settle into unhappiness, if that’s you then by all means continue down the path to misery. If that’s not for you, then choosing happiness for yourself is your next best step. When you choose to be happy, you will spread happiness wherever you go. 

Have hope and determined faith that new love will find you when the time is right… and in the meantime, work on you.

2. Learn to Love Being Alone

After a breakup or divorce, the fear of being alone can feel like a huge weight of reality. 

I can promise you, though, there is nothing more lonely than living with the wrong person. And there is a difference in living alone and being alone. Being alone doesn’t have to be lonely. 

Living alone can even be exciting. You can be as social as you’d like and fill your home with friends, family, pets, or even dip your toe into the dating pool again. Living alone is a great opportunity to dive deeper into your own self discovery and find freedom to express yourself creatively. 

The deeper you get to know yourself, the deeper others will be able to get to know you.
As this lovely article states, “The outside world is simply a mirror for our Selves and what is going on deep within us.”

After my divorce, I lived alone, but it wasn’t actually lonely. Between my kids, grandkids, and two dogs (Dobby and Gilly), I actually felt deeply fulfilled in my home without my husband.

Susan Scott

There is no right or wrong way to live after a divorce or break up, the most important thing to remember is that the love doesn’t have to end when your marriage does. 

3. Love in All the Ways

You can give and receive love in many forms and fashions and you don’t need another person to do this.

Love is available all around us and it is up to you to tap into the ebb and flow of it. 

Find what brings you joy. For me, it’s the love and companionship of my dogs, taking long walks in the Douglas Firs outside my treehouse, painting, gardening, and sometimes getting up at 2:00 AM for a cup of cocoa and an impromptu haiku.

Whatever brings you joy, pursue it. And if you don’t know what brings you joy, then it is imperative that you take the time to discover it. The time after a relationship ends can be transformative, enlightening, and enjoyable. 

It can be a great time to have the conversation with yourself: “Is my life working for me? Am I the person I was meant to be?” Use your time alone to become more aligned with your own life. 

There is a freeing feeling knowing that you are your only job and your only job is to live as joyfully as possible. 

On the Other Side of Goodbye

You may meet a truly wonderful person after the end of a relationship and you may not. The important idea to remember is that love can be given and received in many ways and is not limited to one other person. 

There can be many gifts on the other side of goodbye and it is up to you to find them. 

You can learn how to have better relationships, one conversation with yourself at a time.

“Our values are the guiding lights in our lives. If you’re not clear on what you value, how can you find someone who shares your values?” says TinyBuddha. 

Fearlessly pursue your joy and focus on living a life you’re proud of. Get clear on your boundaries, conditions, and values. Have the fierce conversations with yourself so you’ll be ready for a fierce love that lasts. 

There is no point in waiting around for the magical person to come because you, my friend, are the magic. 

If you’d like to learn more about Fierce Love, the idea of it, how to apply it to your conversations, and what to do after the end of a relationship, buy my new book out on Amazon today.

This book will help you discover the truth about love and give you a roadmap to eight conversations you can have with yourself and your partner to enrich your relationship.

5 Conversations That Will Enrich Your Relationship

Are you wanting to deepen your connection with your partner and not sure how?

Or maybe you’re ready to have conversations with your partner that move below the surface and don’t know where to start.

I’ve found that there are 8 conversations you can have that will deepen your connection and enrich your relationship. 

To read all eight, order my upcoming book, Fierce Love: Creating a Love That Lasts – One Conversation at a Time,  where I give you a roadmap having these fierce conversations and how to navigate them so you can have the relationship you desire. 

In this article, I’ll share with you  five of the eight conversations to a better romantic relationship:

• Conversation 1: Do I want this relationship?
• Conversation 2: Clarifying Conditions — Yours, Mine, Ours
• Conversation 3: How are We Really?
• Conversation 4: Getting Past how are you? I’m fine.
• Conversation 5: Let me Count the Ways

Many couples struggle to communicate with each other and don’t know how to deepen their connection. Conversations are the best (and in my opinion, only) way to fix a lack of communication in your relationship. When you have the conversations that matter, you’re able to understand each other more and connect deeper than ever before. 

If you choose to be courageous in your romantic relationships and have the fierce conversations, you’ll create more of the love you desire in your life.

Here are five (of the eight) conversations you can have with your spouse or partner to enrich your relationship.

1. Do I want this relationship?

As you’ll hear me say often, all conversations you have are with yourself first. That is especially true for this conversation. Eventually, you’ll engage your partner, but first, you must be honest and real with who you are and what you desire in a relationship. 

This conversation helps you define your own idea of a successful relationship and life, starting with you. 

Alignment with others comes when we are living in the way we want to live. Bettering your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship to work on. If you don’t enjoy the relationship you have with you, you aren’t going to create an enjoyable relationship with others. 

Ask yourself: “Am I who I am meant to be?” Being who you are meant to be means living with integrity.

This conversation helps you to find your integrity, take action on it, and live it. It helps you get clear on where you are going, why you are going there, who is going with you and how you will get there. 

When you’re ready to consider your partner in this conversation, ask yourself: “Is this the person I want to go through challenging times with?” 

When you bring your partner into the conversation. you can discuss each other’s values, gain knowledge on how best to support each other, and discover conversations worth diving into deeper. 

2. Clarify conditions — yours, mine, ours

There are conditions to love and it’s important to define them. 

The question you’re asking yourself (and then eventually with your partner) is “what conditions are necessary for us to both stay committed and happy in this relationship?”

Define these conditions for yourself, then define them with your partner. Is monogamy a must? What are your deal breakers? What do you want for yourself and your relationship? What areas will you need to compromise?

Clarifying your conditions is how you can create a relationship that actually lasts and this conversation can even be energizing. When you align your goals and values, you start to believe in what you can achieve together and are able to have deeper conversations like this more often.

This conversation tends to bring couples closer together because it allows a depth of understanding that didn’t once exist. When your understanding is deepened, you pave the way for a long-term, healthy relationship that enriches over time.

3. How are we really?

Relationships that fail or flatline do so because they didn’t take a temperature check throughout the relationship. They didn’t check in with each other. 

They let too many “gradually’s” become one big “suddenly.”

When you aren’t consistently checking in with each other, couples can break up because they’ve lost their ability to tolerate each other. 

In this conversation, you face the facts. In what ways are you different from your partner and how much does that impact your relationship?

A study done in Australia concluded that “communication problems” were the number one reason couples divorced. Communication is critical. What topic are you avoiding with your partner? Whether it’s your finances, sex life, or even addiction, you must talk about it if you want your relationship to survive! 

This conversation is a great start. 

In my upcoming book, Fierce Love: Creating a Love That Lasts – One Conversation at a Time, I’ll give you step by step instructions on how you and your partner can get to know each other’s similarities, differences, quirks, negotiables, non-negotiables, fears, dreams, and behaviors.

Avoiding this conversation in your relationship is not going to do you any favors.  

4. Getting past how are you? I’m fine.

This conversation is meant to take you and your partner deeper. 

We are often stuck at a surface level of communication with our partner. This can be frustrating and leave us wanting more.

If the “How are you?”, “I’m fine” line is tired and old and you are ready to re-spark the fire with your partner, this conversation is a great go-to because this conversation is about your partner. It’s not about you and it’s not about your relationship.

This conversation can help you achieve intimacy and connection faster than any of the other eight conversations I give you.

Whether it’s a situation at work or a general dissatisfaction your partner is having, this conversation gives him or her the floor to identify an issue and decide how to take action moving forward. 

In the Fierce Love Journal that accompanies the Fierce Love book, I lay out example conversations and questions you can ask your partner to keep the flow going.  The key is to listen and allow silence to take the conversation deeper. You’ll come out on the other side with a better understanding of your partner and be able to give the attention and space he or she needs to come to the conclusion of an issue they are having. 

This conversation is meant to go slow so it can go where it needs to go. In doing it this way, your partner will feel seen, heard, and understood and the love between you will grow.

5. Let me count the ways

This conversation is all about appreciation and staying current with your partner.

In Ken Blanchard’s One Minute Manager, he says that the best way to give feedback is in real time. I wholeheartedly agree and believe that in order to have a fierce relationship, giving feedback three hundred and sixty-five days a year and face to face (if possible) is required.

When your partner is doing something you love, tell them! Let giving them one minute or less of gratitude be your default setting instead of regularly resorting to negativity.

What are some things you appreciate about your partner? When was the last time you told them that?

Giving moments of gratitude in the moment can take your relationship deeper than a thoughtless “I love you” because the specific and unique reasons we love our partner are often the most meaningful. 

This holiday season, in what ways can you offer positive feedback to your partner? Are they allstars at packing for the whole family? Do they thrive being around your relatives? Let them know and watch your love grow! 

Chart a new course

These five conversations have the power to change the course of your relationship and allow you to find love with your partner. By practicing fierce love, you’re choosing to go to the hard places to have the hard conversations so that you can see the truth of your relationship.

In my new book, Fierce Love: Creating a Love That Lasts – One Conversation at a Time, I give you EIGHT conversations that you can have to enrich your relationship. The final three conversations teach you how to have hard conversations with your spouse or partner. Conversation 6 (It’s not you, it’s me), Conversation 7 (It’s not me, it’s you), and Conversation 8 (I love you, but I don’t love our life together) are some of the hardest ones to have and best ones to grow (or let go of) your relationship and create the love you truly desire. 
You don’t want to miss out on them! Order my book on Amazon today!

The 7 Principles of Fierce Conversations in a Romantic Relationship

What are fierce conversations and why are they important in our romantic relationships?

Fierce conversations are the ones where we show up as our real selves. They are the conversations that get deep to the heart of issues by interrogating reality, provoking learning, tackling our toughest challenges, and ultimately… enriching our relationships.

In Roget’s Thesaurus, “fierce” has the following synonyms: robust, intense, strong, powerful, passionate, eager, unbridled, uncurbed, untamed. These are words that describe what a fierce conversation is like. 

Fierce conversations are sometimes hard to have because of the courage they require, but they don’t have to be frightening, cruel or threatening.  

Fierce conversations break the silence between you and your partner and allows you to question what is really going on in your relationship. To have fierce conversations, apply these principles. 

The 7 principles to fierce conversations are:

• Principle 1: Master the courage to interrogate reality
• Principle 2: Come out from behind yourself into the conversation and make it real.
• Principle 3: Be here, prepared to be nowhere else.
• Principle 4: Tackle your toughest challenge today.
• Principle 5: Obey your instincts.
• Principle 6: Take responsibility for your emotional wake.
• Principle 7: Let silence do the heavy lifting.

Oftentimes when people communicate with their partner, they aren’t really saying anything. They aren’t connecting, engaging, or deepening their relationships with the conversations they are having. 

The 7 Principles to Fierce Conversations helps you to be real in conversations and understand the importance of conscious communication in your romantic relationships.

Being yourself is the most important part of having fierce conversations in your relationship. These 7 principles will help you to come out from behind yourself and into a conversation and make it real. The goal is to be able to say something that is true for you in the conversations you have. 

If you can apply these seven principles to your conversations, you’ll have a bond with your partner that deepens as time goes on.

1. Master the courage to interrogate reality 

You can’t predict your future and no one can tell you what’s going to happen in your life. So whatever plans you have aren’t going to survive it’s collision with reality. Things will change, your life will shift and you’ll get no advanced notice about it. 

In relationships, couples change and don’t tell each other. 

To interrogate reality means to understand your own beliefs and question if they are working for you and your relationship or not. 

Our context determines the content in our lives. If we have misbeliefs about ourselves, each other or our relationship, it can derail the progress of our relationship. Perhaps what you thought was true is no longer true today. 

To question your reality means being able to sit with yourself for a moment and ask: Are there differences between what I believe to be true and what is actually true? 

To master the courage to interrogate reality will take you on a journey full of deep and positive personal change. 

2. Come out from behind yourself and into the conversation to make it real

This principle is all about trust. Trusting yourself to speak your truth so that you can be trusted by your partner. When you don’t say what you actually mean or feel, you are essentially telling your partner lies and that can be damaging to your relationship. 

You are a magnificent human being full of your own unique experiences, perspectives, and beliefs. It is up to you to utilize your wide range of talents, thoughts, and ideas to speak your truth as authentically as possible.

“You cannot have the life you want, make the decisions you want, or be the leader you are capable of being until your actions represent an authentic expression of who you really are, or wish to become.” – Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work and in Life One Conversation at a Time

When you enter conversations as the real you and don’t try to say what you think others want to hear, you’ll begin to trust yourself and be trusted by your partner. 

With real conversations, you have the power to change your relationship before the conversation even ends.

3. Be here, prepared to be nowhere else

Your presence is the best gift you can give your partner. When you are having fierce relationship conversations, you are giving your undivided attention. 

Put down your phone, close your laptop and listen to what your partner is saying. 

Humans share a universal and basic need: to connect, be known, be loved, valued and appreciated. When we give our full attention and deep, compassionate listening skills, we are telling our partner that we care about them and “see” them. 

In a great book, The Fifth Discipline Fieldbook by Peter Senge, I learned that the tribes of northern Natal in South Africa greet each other in a way that translates to, “I see you” and the response is “I am here.”

That’s powerful. 

It isn’t until we see our partner that they can really feel like they are there.

Learning how to have meaningful conversations with your spouse or partner begins with you. When you are present in conversation, you open up endless possibilities and opportunities to  take beautiful detours into the heart of what really matters.

4. Tackle your toughest challenge today.

“Burnout happens, not because we’re trying to solve problems, but because we’ve been trying to solve the same problem over and over.” – Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work and in Life One Conversation at a Time

Some problems that arise in relationships are tougher than others and that can cause us to hesitate, procrastinate, or even terminate the conversation we need to have.

Similar to having the courage to interrogate your reality, you must have the courage to hunt down the problems that are giving you the most discomfort and bring them to the surface to be dealt with. 

Relationships cannot progress without dealing with the problems. 

If you’re avoiding having a conversation that you know will help solve the problems in your relationship, tackle it today. Name the issue and get straight to the point. 

5. Obey your instincts.

“Our radar works perfectly. It is the operator who is in question.” – Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work and in Life One Conversation at a Time

During the conversations you have with your partner, start to notice the little voice that is speaking to you. It may be about things that interest you in the conversation or questions you want to ask, but don’t.

As you pay attention to what you are thinking and feeling, start to act on what your inner voice is urging you to say or do. Remember: your thoughts and feelings are neither right nor wrong, they simple are. 

Giving power to this inner voice of intuition (and inviting your partner to explore it with you) will give our conversations an opportunity to go deeper. 

When you empower your intuition and become courageous in your action, watch how you are able to transform your conversation, and your relationship.

6. Take responsibility for your emotional wake

“Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.”  – Mother Theresa

In relationships, everything you say to your partner matters. There is no trivial comment. Your emotional wake is the aftermath of the words you’ve chosen or the action you’ve taken. The ripple effect you create is your responsibility in your relationship. 

A mumble, grumble, or back-hand comment can have a negative impact on your partner and what you’ve said can’t be taken back. In having fierce conversations, you’re choosing to be conscious of what you say and how it may affect your partner.

Your emotional wake is your responsibility. 

Are you creating a positive or a negative ripple effect in your relationship?

7. Let silence do the heavy lifting

Many of us fear silence in our relationships, but when having fierce conversations, embracing silence can lead to positive outcomes in your conversation.

When too much is being said and there is not enough listening being done, you can use silence to slow down the conversation so you can uncover what the conversation really needs to be about.

“Silence is where what is real can be detected.” – Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work and in Life One Conversation at a Time

Conversations are meant to be had with someone, not at them. Making room for silence, makes room for interrogating reality, learning what problems and challenges can be tackled, and how your relationship can be enriched.

Living fiercely and fearlessly 

The seven principles of fierce conversations are what will allow you to create rich and satisfying romantic relationships in your life. Being fierce in your conversations and romantic relationships is a skill set, mind-set, attitude and way of life. 

Fierce conversations are not for the timid, they are for the courageous because the biggest barrier to addressing these questions is fear. To put aside your fear and apply these principles to the conversations in your romantic relationship will lead to a desirable outcome that was not previously accessible.

I don’t expect you to apply all seven of these principles immediately. I suggest starting with one and applying it for thirty days. 

The more you apply these principles to your conversations, the more you will see a transformation in your romantic relationship.

Are you ready to have fierce conversations?
If you’re ready to learn about the conversations that contribute to healthy romantic relationships, pre-order my latest book, Fierce Love: Creating a Love that Lasts – One Conversation at a Time on Amazon today!

3 Reasons Your Partner Doesn’t Complete You

Have you ever thought of your partner as your “other half”, “better side”, or “missing piece?” 

Many people in relationships do. It’s easy with the mainstream media and ever-popular Disney movies we grew up watching, but when it comes to real-life relationships the thought that your partner will save you, change you, or complete you is an idea that needs to be thrown out. 

Being in a relationship does not make you complete. Being who you are makes you complete. 

When we expect others to complete us, we are giving our power away to that person and assuming that without them, we are not whole.

I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t feel great to me. What if that person leaves? It’d be like losing a whole half of you and that sounds pretty… devastating. 

We complete ourselves… or fail to. No one can do the job for us. 

The misbelief that your partner “completes you” can be self-sabotaging and lead to a failed relationship. You and your partner are two individual people sharing a relationship that is a reflection of who you both are. You cannot expect your partner to fulfill all the needs you have. 

Releasing the belief that your partner completes you will help you to learn to be more honest in your relationships and show up authentically. 

Here are three reasons why your partner doesn’t complete you…

1. You are two complete individuals

You and your partner are two unique individuals, not one complete person. 

Although there is a religious or spiritual idea behind becoming “one in union” with each other, this is not to be taken in the literal sense.

When you enmesh your lives and souls with another person, you are essentially deciding that you’re incomplete and need someone to make you whole. 

Evie Magazine says, “In searching for fulfillment in another person, you reduce yourself to a half. Your [partner] can and certainly should help you to grow, discover the truth and beauty in life and overcome hardships, but he alone is not the answer. Instead of seeing him as such, look to him as a faithful companion on the journey to the real answer.”

Enmeshing yourself with another person is something to be careful of in your relationships. 

When you are willing to give up parts of yourself to be someone that you’re not, you’ll start to live inauthentically. This will put a stress or strain on your relationship because you both start feeling responsible for the others’ needs, wants, and emotions. 

If you and your partner, instead, can feel happy in your own skin, take responsibility for your own emotions, thoughts, and actions, and create goals both for yourself and for your relationship, you will begin to untangle the idea that someone else completes you and create a more meaningful relationship that lasts.

2. Your relationship is a reflection of you

Your relationship with others can only be as good (or bad) as your relationship with yourself.  The problems in your relationship aren’t going to go away until you determine what is causing them. 

If you fail to look deep within to understand, accept, and work through your issues that stand in the way of receiving or giving love, then you will continue to repeat the same cycles in your relationships.

It’s not him or her, it’s you.

In my book coming out soon (Fierce Love: Creating a Love That Lasts – One Conversation at a Time), I tell a story about Kate. Kate is a representation of many of us. Kate lives a healthy, balanced life until she falls in love. Her cycles repeat, she loses herself in her relationship, she becomes angry and resents her partner and ultimately ends the relationship (because he’s obviously the one causing her whole life to fall apart). She gets back on track, then meets someone else. And… wash, rinse, repeat.

I’ve been Kate. It’s possible you’re Kate right now.

Your relationships will continue to play out in the same way until you take the time, attention, and intention to look at what is going on inside you to make them this way. 

“The people we are in relationships with are always a mirror, reflecting our own beliefs, and simultaneously we are mirrors, reflecting their beliefs.” — Shakti Gawain

If we fail to understand our beliefs, our partner’s beliefs, and the beliefs that simply are not true, we will continue to tell our relatives the same breakup story at every holiday dinner.

Your problems will still exist in a relationship, and possibly worsen.

“All relationships are your mirrors and all people are your teachers.” — Barbara De Angelis

“It is not your partner’s job to make you happy. It is your job to make you happy. It is your partner’s job to make themselves happy,” says this article on Medium.com and I couldn’t agree more.

3. Your partner cannot fulfill all your needs

Sometimes people enter relationships because they want their needs met. Self care is your priority not your partners.

It is your responsibility to meet your own needs and communicate your needs to others. If you rely on others to fulfill you, it will create a neediness, dependency, and pressure on your relationship that will eventually suffocate it entirely.

When we depend on others to meet our needs, we begin to manipulate our behavior to be more pleasing or charming so that they will do what we want and need.

This is not only inauthentic to ourselves, but can really damage the dynamic in a partnership.

Working on your relationship with yourself is one of the best ways to improve your relationships with others. How are you taking care of yourself? How are you giving yourself what you need? 

Once you fulfill your own needs, you are then in a position to effectively and lovingly satisfy the needs of others. 

And if both you and your partner are able to do this, then you’re really doing the tango!

Complete yourself first

If you look for your “missing piece” in love, you’re going to be hard pressed to find the perfect fit because there is no perfect fit!

You are your own perfect fit and if you don’t understand, accept, and love yourself, you can’t expect someone else to.

We all are our own complete individuals and we create the love we want to see in our lives. If you want to make your relationship better, I encourage you to commit the following to memory: No one and nothing will ever be enough until you are enough. 

If you’re ready to create a fierce love that lasts, pre-order my new book, Fierce Love: Creating a Love That Lasts – One Conversation at a Time, that comes out January 11th 2022!

In this book, you’ll learn more about why your partner doesn’t complete you and four other myths that tend to ruin relationships. I’ll teach you how you can throw out the misbeliefs and enrich your relationship one conversation at a time.

5 Myths About Love

Have you dreamed of having a relationship like the ones you see in the movies?

Sounds nice, right?

A fun, flirty (sometimes crazy), romantic journey that ends in magic and bliss no matter what screwed up problems each of the people in the relationship bring to the table?

The relationships you see in movies are not real. 

The “love interest” dynamic is created to entice viewers and keep them interested and engaged throughout the entire film because it turns out, our human brains love stories… especially romantic ones. 

We love these stories so much, we’re willing to spend a lot of time and attention fantasizing about them, consuming them, and worst of all… believing them. We like to believe that true love will always win and that two humans are completely made for each other. That they complete each other. 

Believing these fake ideals is a huge reason relationships flatline. When one partner (or both) choose to believe stories and misbeliefs they will unconsciously (and inevitably) drive their relationship into the ground. 

So what are some of these beliefs to be aware of? 

I’ve found there are five that tend to destroy relationships over and over.

If we can set aside our misbeliefs and courageously question what is really true for ourselves and our partners in each moment, we will start to change the course of our romantic relationships and learn how to be more honest and loving in our partnerships. 

Keep reading to learn the five myths about love that you might believe to be true!

1. “You Complete Me!” 

No one completes you, you complete yourself. 

Many women and men in love say that their partner is their “missing piece”, “other half” or “better side.” Some people even go out looking for this in love. 

This almost always backfires.

When you look for someone else to complete you, you aren’t giving yourself enough credit that you can complete yourself, just as you are. If someone else becomes your “other half,” I promise it’s going to hurt like hell when they leave you. 

Many of us have bought into the idea that a partnership is “one.” Meaning, two people become one whole. This, I would argue, is quite possibly the biggest problem in most failing relationships. You’re not one! You’re two!

You and your partner are two distinct individuals who are growing at different rates, enjoy different things, and have lived completely different lives. It’s a mistake to believe that when you are in a romantic relationship, that all personal growth, fulfillment, and self care goes out the window, because now someone else is there to do that for you.

I’ve spoken with many people who believed this myth and guess what, they came to me because their relationship was struggling to survive. 

This is one of the biggest myths I debunk in my upcoming book Fierce Love: Creating a Love That Lasts – One Conversation at a Time.

Remember, no one will ever be enough until you believe you are enough. You are a whole, complete person on your own and so is your partner.  

2. “True Love is Unconditional!”

This myth can come as a shock to many and can be a very hard pill to swallow for most. Why? Because this is the baseline of almost every romantic movie you’ve seen. We’ve been conditioned to believe that this is true! 

“True love will always find a way”

“True love conquers all”

“True love means never having to say you’re sorry”

This is all wrong!

Beau Taplin says it beautifully: “No, I do not want to be loved unconditionally. I want to be shown when I am treating you less than you deserve. I want you to leave if I ever start making you promises I do not see through. Love me for my flaws, yes, but don’t you dare ever allow them to hurt you.”

This is true love. 

True, long-lasting, deep love comes with conditions. 

Have you ever known someone to give and give and give? These people can be inexhaustibly obliging and draining to be around. This is what giving without condition looks like. It’s giving to the point of depletion. 

If you think you can get through anything because you and your partner believe in unconditional love, you need to stop it!  

If anything can be forgiven and all can be smoothed over with one “I’ll love you forever no matter what you do,” then you are opening your relationship up to much vulnerability. 

What’s to stop your spouse from cheating on you or your partner from hurling verbal attacks at you whenever they please? If there are no repercussions to your actions, then your love is left open for attack. 

True love clarifies the conditions in which you and your partner feel safe to be together and holds you both accountable to those boundaries and goals. (More on the myth of unconditional love here.)

My upcoming book dives deeper into this idea and even gives you a roadmap to having the conversation that clarifies your conditions with your partner or spouse. 

If you are still determined to find unconditional love, get a dog! 

3. “You Must Fulfill My List”

I had a friend show me her list of ideal characteristics in a partner and when I saw it, my jaw dropped. Not only was the list exceptionally long, it was unrealistically detailed. 

The problem with lists is they actually limit the possibilities that can come to us. We might think we are getting “real with ourselves” when we make a list, but we’re really just putting expectations on the next person that enters our lives romantically.

These lists are a symptom of perfectionism. 

You’re chasing a fantasy person that does not exist. How could they? Your list of demands is totally made up!

You could spend your whole life trying to find this “person” and end up going from one relationship to the next thinking that the grass will be greener on the other side of the fence. 

Spoiler alert: it’s astroturf. 

And really, dating someone perfect sounds boring and full of pressure. Humans are imperfect and life is messy. When you commit to someone, you’re committing to a robust and diverse list full of the best parts of them and the worst parts. It’s not fair to your partner (or yourself) to ask for only the dreamy, flawless characteristics and be unwilling to negotiate on the rest.

To change this, you can start by letting go of the unrealistic expectations you have for your “ideal match.” Then, if you must make a list, do it. Then be it. Turn your list into a set of ideal characteristics for yourself and do your best to live them out each day. 

We attract the love we want to find by being the love we desire.  

4. “If You Loved Me, You’d Know”

How many times have you said or thought, “If he or she loved me, they’d know I’d need … fill in the blank (a hug, to be held, a cup of tea, etc.)”

The truth is, your partner doesn’t know! Because guess what? It’s 2021 and we still can’t read minds! 

As Miles Davis said, “If you understood everything I said, you’d be me.” You aren’t dating your clone… So speak up! 

I’ll admit that in order for me to get a message from someone it has to be wildly clear and obviously announced, otherwise I truly don’t know what you mean or what you want. I’m not the only one like this. In fact, it’s better to assume most people are like this to encourage more clarity in your own communication.

The point is, if you are not speaking clearly or having the conversations at all, then you are assuming that the other person was gifted telepathic powers overnight. And that’s not fair to your relationship.

If you need something, tell them! If your feelings are hurt, tell them! If you are pleased with them, tell them!

Do your relationship a favor and simply ask for what you need and stop assuming that your partner knows. Your partner’s inability to read your mind does not mean they don’t love you, it just means they can’t decipher cryptic messages.

The sooner you speak up, the easier it will be. 

My upcoming book, Fierce Love: Creating a Love That Lasts – One Conversation at a Time, makes this process even easier. I give you the tools and exercises to deliver your message kindly so that your relationship can thrive. 

5. “Love Is All You Need”

Love is not all you need because as humans, we have many needs. And just because you’re in a romantic relationship does not mean that love is all you can survive on, let alone thrive. 

Sometimes what we need is difficult to pinpoint, so we might “leave it up to love” to give us what we don’t know we want yet, but here’s the truth: Love can’t give us what we want if we don’t know what we want.

People often think that their love will change others, or even save them. You might decide that your love is so grand and pure that it will cleanse your partner of all character flaws and defects and you’ll be left with a shiny new human ready to please you in the most perfect way possible.

If you’re someone who has tried this, you know it doesn’t work. Depending on your love in this way gives our soul an impossible mission to complete and leads us towards suffering and failure. 

If love was all you need to create deep and lasting relationships, then things like abuse, infidelity, or addiction would become totally acceptable in your relationship. Because your love will save it, change it, or fix it, right? No way!

You and your partner might grow apart and want entirely different lives after years of being together and I don’t care how much love you have between the two of you, it’s not going to bring two diverging paths back together. 

There are plenty of things you need in addition to love to have a healthy and sustainable relationship. In my new book coming out soon, I challenge you to write these needs down and commit to bringing them into your life as soon as possible.

Love is not all you need! You need so much more!

Letting go of unrealistic expectations

When we believe in stories or ideas that are simply not true, it can be damaging to our own self love and our relationships with others. It’s time to ditch the unrealistic expectations we’ve been holding on to so that we can learn how to communicate better with our spouse or partner and create healthier, more connected relationships.

Misbeliefs are one of the biggest factors that lead relationships astray. 

If you want to learn how to be a better partner in your relationships, you can start by becoming aware of these myths and doing your best to change your thought patterns and actions that contribute to them. 
To learn more about these five myths and the conversations you can have to change the course of your relationship, pre-order my book, Fierce Love: Creating a Love That Lasts – One Conversation at a Time, that’s coming out January 11th 2022!

When Gradually Becomes Suddenly

“How did we get here?”

This is a question couples ask themselves amidst a tragic separation. It’s a question you arrive at when you’ve hit the end of a road and don’t know how you got there and where to go. It’s what happens when gradually, over time, your relationship erodes and then suddenly, you realize it’s in real trouble.  

The problem is, too many couples arrive at the end of their relationship without understanding how they got there. 

Relationships aren’t automatic or automated. You don’t get to have one big conversation and then coast for decades. You must keep feeding your relationship, nurturing it, and growing it. 

And to feed your relationship so that it flourishes, you must talk to each other.

You must have conversations! And not just any conversations, fierce conversations. (Learn more about Fierce Conversations here.)

Because if you don’t have the conversations, then suddenly you’ll wake up to: How did we get here? 

And let me tell you, that’s not a great place to finally open your eyes.

To stop your relationship from getting there, you have to be more aware.

Remember, our relationships flourish, flatline or fail gradually then suddenly, one conversation at a time.  The end of your relationship might have come as a shock to you because you stopped paying attention to the “gradually” (which is where most of our relationship lives).  Instead, you woke up when a negative “suddenly” finally hit, usually because you’ve stopped having conversations and failed to say how you’re really feeling.

If you can pay attention to what you’re saying (or not saying) now, you won’t wake up after it’s too late. 

Keep reading to learn how you can wake up your relationship. 

Pay attention to all parts of your relationship

So, how did you end up here? If you can reflect on that question honestly, you’ll probably realize that there may have been pivotal moments or turning points in your relationship that set things in motion downhill. But, for the most part, it’s things that didn’t happen that caused the spiral.

Oftentimes, you’ve hit the “suddenly” because you stopped paying attention to the “gradually”. We live most of our lives in the gradually. We live in the mundane. We live in the conversations we’re having. In fact, the conversations is the  relationship.

So what happens when you stop paying attention to the most important part of your relationship? It flat lines. Your relationship fails because you’ve starved it from the nourishment of conversation. 

It’s usually the conversations we’re not having, the conversations we’ve been avoiding for weeks, months, or even years that cause a total and final collapse. It can be subtle, which is why it can be so devastating. 

If we wake up and pay attention, though, we can pick up on the clues. We can see clearly that our relationship is headed for doom and we can course-correct, re-adjust, and learn the tools we need so that we can be an active participant in our relationship moving forward.

What happens when “suddenly” comes?

I’ve conducted more than ten thousand hours of conversations with industry leaders all over the world. And the turning point, for me, was all thanks to the great Ernest Hemingway. In his book, The Sun Also Rises, a banker sits at a bar and is asked, “How did you go bankrupt?” The character responds, “gradually and then… suddenly.” 

This is when I realized, our relationships (and our lives), succeed or fail gradually and then suddenly, one conversation at a time. 

A relationship doesn’t truly fail “all of a sudden” because if you look at how you got to the end, you’ll see it was a series of missed connections, failed attempts, and frustrated feelings that got you there.

Take an achievement you’ve accomplished at work for example. How did you do it? I’ll bet it wasn’t from being complacent, quiet, or passive. It was probably because  you took consistent action and over time, you achieved your result. 

It’s the same for relationships. We must show up consistently and ready to take action (aka have the conversations) if we want to achieve a love relationship that is connected and healthy. 

Take these “suddenly” statements for example.

• I love you, but I’m unhappy with our life together.
• I love you more than anyone, except the other person I’m in love with.
• Our marriage feels unhealthy, boring and stuck… I’ve been considering a divorce. 

If these statements come as a surprise, then you’ve been asleep for the ride. Statements like these don’t come from nowhere and they take a while to build up.

So, are you going to wake up your relationship now… before the “suddenly” comes? 

When the conversations stop, so does your relationship

One of the biggest reasons couples arrive at “suddenly” is because their “gradually” was long and silent.

If you’re at the point of questioning how you got to the end of your relationship and upon further reflection you find that there were no real tragic moments or turning points that you can remember. That’s when you know the problem was the silence.

What conversations were you not having? What feelings did you have that you didn’t speak? When did your communication turn into complacency? At what point did you stop trying?

These are all pivotal moments that got you to your point of “suddenly.” 

When we stop being open in our communication and become closed off to important conversations, we slowly start shoving our relationship further into a rut. And, over time, we’ve dug ourselves so deep that it feels much better to stay asleep than to wake up and try to fix things. 

But if you don’t wake up and pay attention to the problems, then you’ll find yourself at the end of the road trying to figure out what checkpoints you missed. 

It’s pretty simple. When your conversations end, so does your marriage or relationship.

Wake up your relationship!

The good news is, not all relationships have to end this way. It is completely possible for you to wake up your relationship right now. 

It all starts with a conversation.

If you ask yourself, “How do I get from where I am today to where I want to be?” you’ll realize that you do that the same way you got to where you are now… gradually, and then suddenly, one conversation at a time.  

You can start finding love with your partner right now by beginning to have conversations with intention. And it’s important to be aware of common roadblocks in your communication. Remember, the intention is not to be clever, cute or interesting. The intention is to put yourself out there and see where the conversation wants to go. It’s about listening deeply, using empathy, and asking sincere heart-felt questions. You may be surprised how quickly this approach can get to the heart of your relationship. 

If you open communication by starting with deeply intentional and truthful conversations, you’ll be surprised to see that it probably won’t require as many conversations as you might think. 

There is no one road map to relationships and often our cues and clues that our reality is changing are extremely subtle. It is these subtle moments that we must train ourselves to notice, be alert and responsive to because these subtleties are the secrets to a re-igniting the spark in your relationship.

So wake up, pay attention, and begin noticing moments where you can intervene so that you can find love with your partner. Otherwise, your relationship might be headed for a crash that only a clean-up crew can handle. 

More on this is coming out in my upcoming book. If you’d like to be the first to read it, pre-order it on Amazon now!

3 Ways to Be More Connected to Your Partner

How often have you had a conversation with your partner only to discover that you’re having two entirely different conversations?  It seems that the experience of being understood versus interpreted is so compelling, you could charge admission.

This happens so often that we could charge admission for the experience! 

The problem is many people feel disconnected from or misunderstood by their partner.

So what is driving this missed connection and misunderstanding in the conversations we are having in our relationships? 

It’s all in the context. Our context determines how we experience the content in our lives. We each hold a unique perspective because we’ve had an entirely different set of experiences than our partner. 

And all the wonderful, traumatic, beautiful, messy “behind the scenes” moments that you’ve experienced are what make you, you. Your set of experiences determines how you show up in life, love and especially… relationships.

To have more connected conversations, here are three ways you can connect with your partner:

1. Don’t leave space for misunderstanding. 
2. Be honest about your thoughts and feelings
3. Don’t believe the myths and conditioning you’ve been told

If you practice these three healthy behaviors, your conversations will begin to feel more connected, and you’ll start to see more positive outcomes with your partner. 

1. Don’t leave room for misinterpretation!

At some point, we will all feel misunderstood. A real problem occurs, though, when you are feeling consistently misunderstood in your romantic relationship. Spending time with someone who doesn’t understand you can be irritating to say the least, and possibly even bring you to the finish line of a relationship. 

Our relationship can suffer if we don’t take the necessary actions to create conversations that lead to more connection and more understanding. 

To start, it’s important to look at the things you can control. In what ways are you leaving room for misinterpretation in conversations with your partner? Are you actually being misunderstood, or can you see it from your partner’s perspective and understand why he or she may be confused?

Assessing the situation to determine why you feel misunderstood and why your partner might have valid reasons to misunderstand you will allow for more empathy and compassion towards your partner and yourself. 

When you leave space for your partner to guess what you’re thinking, you’re leaving space for them to guess incorrectly and it’s not fair to you or your relationship and can quickly lead to resentment.  

“Misunderstandings are opportunities for the parties involved to learn from each other and discover how others interpret the world. Taking on the goal of clarity also provides a path forward,” says this article by Inside Higher Ed.

The goal is to express your ideas, thoughts, and feelings in a clear and intentional way, rather than to be “right,” forcing your partner to be “wrong.” 

If you can strive for clarity over confusion in your conversations with your partner, you’ll open up doors that will bring you closer together.

2. Be honest about your thoughts and feelings!

It takes courage to be honest. But if we can view honesty as an opportunity for growth, then our relationship has a chance to thrive. 

When your partner asks, “how are you doing?” or, “are you upset with me?” and you tell a lie (or partial truth) in response, you are hurting the relationship, not furthering it. What happens in this scenario is that your partner will then sense the lie and wonder what you are hiding, or why you don’t feel comfortable enough to share your true feelings.

Tell the truth! There is power in speaking your truth in intimate relationships. When your partner asks why you’re upset, tell him or her. Be gentle and compassionate but tell the truth. 

Being dishonest about how you feel leads to broken trust, resentment, and more dishonesty in a relationship. 

And where does a dishonest conversation leave you anyway? Nowhere good, I can tell you that much. With a conversation like this, you’ve neither progressed your relationship nor expressed how you really feel so you’re right back where you’ve started, maybe even a step behind.

For many of us, we believe it is too risky to tell the truth. But the reality is, by not telling the truth we are lining ourselves up for many “gradual” moments of confusion that will inevitably lead to a feeling that your relationship is “suddenly” failing.

Fierce conversations and Fierce Love are the antidote to this. If you can come out from behind yourself and be honest about your thoughts and feelings, you’ll begin to enrich your relationship one authentic conversation at a time. 

3. Don’t believe the myths you’ve been told!

Carl Jung once said, “What we do not make conscious, emerges later as fate.”

The unconscious is all your thoughts, beliefs, and stories about yourself, your partner and the world around you that you are believing, going along with, and claiming as your truth.

Whether we like it or not, outside forces and conditioned stories or thought patterns affect our inner thoughts and relationships. Gender roles, societal acceptance, how our parents raised us, religion, and media all influence how we show up in the world. 

The problem occurs when we believe all of them, and some of them may be lies. 

Relationships can really suffer if we are unwilling to let go of these myths and unconscious beliefs.

When a popular but flawed belief affects our relationship, it needs to be examined. If we don’t bring our unconscious stories to light, they will continue to create unhealthy cycles in our life and relationships.

You and your partner’s beliefs are neither right nor wrong, what matters is if your beliefs are working for you and your relationship.

Creating healthier relationship habits

Practicing healthier habits will open up doors for you to learn more about yourself and your partner, allowing for a deeper, more intimate connection. You will be able to have peace of mind knowing you are disclosing what you really think and feel, which will give space for your partner to express freely, too.

When we practice harmful behaviors we aren’t furthering our relationship, we are damaging it. Maintaining and nurturing a healthy partnership is a crucial challenge you must accept or decline. It is truly a decision you must make.

Leaving space for misunderstandings, being dishonest about your thoughts and feelings, and believing the conditioned stories you’ve been told can harm your partnership beyond repair. 

When you begin applying healthier practices to your relationship, emotional connectivity will intensify, trust will grow where it once wilted, and you will be amazed at how fulfilling your relationship has become. 

So what are you waiting for? One fierce conversation is enough to change the course of your relationship! 

If you’d like to learn more about conversations that contribute to healthy romantic relationships, pre-order Fierce Love: Creating a Love that Lasts – One Conversation at a Time.